Daughters provide hands-on care at nearly twice the rate of sons, with eldest daughters frequently acting as the primary project managers for elderly parents, according to Waterlily and a Bay Alarm Medical survey.
When Genevieve Lobos took on most of the care responsibilities after her mother’s cancer returned in 2022, she questioned whether the heavy burden fell on her purely because of her eldest daughter status. Lobos, 43, noted that she was always the more responsible one
between herself and her younger brother. She explained that she has friends who are also eldest daughters and end up in the same boat.
Daughters Provide Twice as Much Caregiving as Sons
Data from an artificial intelligence-powered financial planning platform called Waterlily shows that daughters are nearly twice as likely as sons to provide hands-on caregiving. A Bay Alarm Medical survey of more than 1,000 adult family caregivers revealed that nearly half of all caregivers feel resentment toward a sibling over an unfair division of caregiving labor. The survey also indicated that daughters overwhelmingly shoulder the brunt of both hands-on and emotional caregiving tasks.
Alexandra Mysoor, cofounder and CEO of Alix, pointed out that women often anticipate the needs of their loved ones. We have a superpower as females, as caregivers and nurturers,
Mysoor said.
Caregiver Creep Turns Grocery Runs into Full-Time Duties
April Ibarra, a gerontologist and care adviser at the artificial intelligence-powered app Arlow, uses the term caregiver creep
to describe the gradual progression from casually helping a parent to accumulating overwhelming responsibilities. What starts as picking up groceries and medications can quickly evolve into accompanying an aging parent to multiple doctor appointments every week. Ibarra noted that most family caregivers who reach out to her for consultations are adult daughters caring for aging parents, with eldest daughters frequently acting as the default point person.
Once that role begins, Ibarra explained, it tends to spiral if the primary caregiver fails to communicate well or ask for help from other family members, resulting in one person taking over a massive portion or even all of the family caregiving.
According to Mysoor, adult daughters are typically the ones who organize funerals, open probate, and spend months dealing with banks, courts, and agencies while processing their own grief. In a recent LinkedIn post, Mysoor wrote that in almost every family served by Alix, the person settling the estate is a woman, frequently a daughter and often the eldest.
She is the one who organizes the funeral, then opens probate, then spends the better part of a year on the phone with banks, courts and agencies on behalf of someone she has just lost.
Alexandra Mysoor, cofounder and CEO of Alix
Guilt and Estate Duties Fall on Eldest Daughters
For Lobos, managing care was not limited to her mother, who was first diagnosed with cancer in 2010 and later faced a recurrence in 2022 when she was well into her 70s and unable to undergo chemotherapy again. Lobos also reconnected with her father around the time she married, but he fell sick and died shortly afterward. She settled his estate, noting that her brother didn't really know what to do
and took her lead.
When her mother’s cancer returned, Lobos was the one who had to conduct difficult conversations about moving from treatment to hospice care, subsequently handling all estate and financial matters after her death.
Lobos admitted that not doing those things would have triggered immense guilt because her mother was her best friend and closest confidante. She described feeling like a project manager balancing her own life alongside the lives of her mother, father, children, and husband.
It was hard for me to prioritize my own life because I was prioritizing everyone else’s. And then she felt guilty that she knew that I was prioritizing my life for her. So then I had guilt that she was feeling guilty.
Genevieve Lobos
Ibarra advised individuals to actively plan ahead and seek assistance rather than allowing a single person to shoulder every responsibility.
