Outrunning the Masked Killer at Coors Field
Sometimes watching the Rockies can feel genuinely frightening, but this Halloween brings a different angle to the ballpark. If Jason Voorhees comes lumbering out of the woods with a machete in Friday the 13th, purplerow.com suggests taking Jake McCarthy. His documented sprint speed provides the best odds of outrunning a masked killer.
Surviving Jigsaw’s intricate traps in the Saw franchise requires patience, discipline, and the ability to handle a difficult situation. The column taps Kyle Karros and TJ Rumfield for the job. Both players have demonstrated the discipline to work an at-bat, recognize pitches, and wait for a pitch they can handle while everyone else panics.
Hunter Goodman Provides Raw Power for Survival
Zombie outbreaks demand raw power rather than complex strategy. The analysis points to Hunter Goodman and his 41 home runs as the ideal choice for clearing a path. Although barrel rates do not cleanly translate to hand-to-hand combat against the undead, hitting things exceptionally hard offers a viable survival strategy.
Other roster spots fare far worse against classic horror villains. As the column notes regarding Scream:
Sorry, TJ! Troy Johnston strikes me as the kind of guy who would answer the phone, politely engage in conversation and invite the killer inside. He’d probably offer him something to drink.
He is unlikely to survive the opening scene. Meanwhile, no horror lineup is complete without a ghost, and Coors Field already features a permanent fixture in Kris Bryant, who the column humorously suggests has been haunting the franchise for years.
